Morgan and I were talking on the phone Sunday night, just as I was about to write an e-mail for this chain. I asked him what I should write about. He proposed I write everything I'm experiencing right now.
-"No, no one wants me to just dump my whole life on them, that would not be beneficial for me or them."
-"Why not?"
And thus began a rather profound conversation.
While it is true that divulging every emotion I've experienced in the past week would not be particularly productive, Morgan and I discovered that people are much to quick to judge and label other people's trials. An unwritten law governs our responses to other people's woes: if your problems include phyisical abuse, suicide, a terminal illness, racial discrimination, genocide, frostbite, malnutrition, bankruptcy, and sometimes divorce, you automatically qualify for unconditional sympathy and justification for pain.
This is greatly frustrating to those of us who grapple with everyday pains. Apparently crying children, insensitive boyfriends/girlfriends, stressful schoolwork, forgotten birthdays, lack of friends, and sick Grandmothers may or may not make it on the list. The amount of sympathy one deserves for these things depends on the listener. And even if the particular person you are talking to is more understanding than most, there is a voice in your conscience nagging to "just get over it" because life could be a lot worse, and how can you cry over a rebellious teenager when there are parents who can't even have children? Aren't their problems worse? Aren't you undermining their pain by feeling your own (inferior) sadness?
This is a cruel falsehood. My Mom once said that even if the situation isn't credible, or the logic nonsensical, feelings are still real. Who are we to decide how much pain others should or shouldn't feel? It is impossible to even know exactly what others are feeling. So where do we get authority to compile a list of "real" tragedies? Who are we to tell others how much pain they should or should not be experiencing?
At this point in the conversation Morgan said,
-"What, and just listen to each other?"
-"Well no! I wouldn't go that far, I mean come on, do you mean be compassionate or something?"
We both started laughing. We both know there is more seriousness than humor.
What if we did just listen? How much easier it would be to hear about other people's problems! How simple it would be to just feel sorry for them and love them. A child cries over spilled milk because they have never had a parent die in a car accident. So to them, spilled milk is a real problem. Is it right to judge them for not going through something worse yet? And if they are really sad about the lost beverage, why should we try to convince them that their feelings aren't credible? Pain is a completely personal experience. Since humans are given zero capability to feel someone else's exact emotions, we should never rate or prescribe someone else's anguish.
In practice, this principle would allow us to love and accept each other, not feel as burdened by other's hardships, and more readily communicate honest feelings.
Thanks Morgan.
3 comments:
I always love the deep, real conversations you (anyone) can have with Morgan. How interesting and ironic that we are so quick to compare our pain and experiences to others, and to judge others for being judgmental. Very interesting thoughts. :)
Hey Miriam when I you going to put something more on your blog!!! Come on it's time!! I miss you!!
I know this is old news, but you can talk to me anytime. I do listen. :-) And I think that the reason why a parent might not cry with their child over spilled milk is because that parent has a better perspective. Maybe they see that they have more milk just in the other room inside the refrigerator, or maybe they see that the milk, in the end, really wasn't that important to the well-being of their child. When I think of parents and children, I think of us and our Heavenly Father. The interesting thing about Him is that He, with all of his great perspective, seeing the beginning from the end, knowing each of our trials and how big they REALLY are, tells us that a true disciple of Christ (and Himself) is someone that cries with those that cry, and mourns with those that mourn. How interesting! I believe he tells us to do this because it is important to remember. I believe it's because it's the right thing to do; to be there for people when they need someone. Even if you went through the same exact thing/problem, possibly many times, and it didn't affect you, it doesn't mean that it won't affect them. Everyone is different. For example in my mission, when I moved to my 2nd area, I was having a really hard time. My companions hadn't been the best examples and I was just a little down. When I got there and began to unpack, I noticed I couldn't find my letters from home, which at the time for me, were very important. I called my last apartment but they couldn't find them either. This made me sad, and I prayed to my Heavenly Father and said "I know this is silly. I know that there are many bigger problems Thou hast to worry about, but this is important to me. Please help me find my letters. i have looked everywhere and can't find them. I know with thy help they will be found, but if Thou dost not help me, I will understand." Well, sure enough, while I was praying, I thought to look in one of the pockets that I had previously checked. I checked it again: Same health kit, same bag of stuff from the MTC, same...And then I remembered, I had stuck my letters in this bag that I probably would've never have checked again. Now, I KNEW at the time it was something that was silly, not actually important to my tasks at hand, and frankly it might've been a blessing to have lost them to help me focus on the mission more...But The Lord, in his mercy, allowed me to regain my letters from home. If he hadn't of though, in the long run, it wouldn't have killed me. So what I'm trying to say is I think God has the perfect perspective and knows when it would be productive to help us and when it would be productive to let us learn a few things, but to us I think we should only worry about the commandments he has given us: like the commandment to love one another, to be patient, to have charity, to think of others needs above your own wants and desires. So to sum it up, whether the problem of another seems big or small to us, I think it's good to be sensitive to others' feelings. I was rambling there wasn't I? :-) Basically if you EVER need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you! :-)
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